I am writing this at almost 4am on a Sunday morning when I have to be up and out of the house by 8:30am because even though I was falling asleep on the sofa before I went to bed, I can’t sleep.
I have exhausted every single sleep hygiene trick in the book, except for writing my thoughts down. So here we go, a peep into what’s going on in my head:
1. Is my best friend pissed off with me?
This seems like a playground issue but I just don’t have a good read of her at the moment. I am recovering from my 5th pilonidal abscess, 4th in less than a year, and I have had to cancel on seeing her twice. Today we were due to go out for a meal for her 30th birthday, but I am currently not able to sit down so a restaurant just wouldn’t be smart or comfortable. She hasn’t texted me back since I had to send that dreaded message, so of course my mind is loving this time to go crazy.
2. How are we going to get through the next few months on me only receiving SSP?
I only get 20 days paid sick leave at work per year, and funnily enough I have already used them all on issues relating to this pilonidal disease. I had an operation in November to remove the sinus causing all these issues, but it never really recovered properly. In fact, the sinus redeveloped, and I have an extra brand new sinus which got infected around Easter. So they are going to be performing a bigger excision, which the surgeon has told me will be a recovery time of several months. I don’t know how much of that I will be signed off from work for, but I know my sickness record is going to skyrocket and our monthly income will decrease, significantly.
3. How have I let myself get in such bad shape?
I had blood tests done following this abscess and I have a cholesterol of 5.4%. The healthy range is below 5%. I am 27 years old – it seems way too young for high cholesterol! Also I have borderline low haemoglobin levels, meaning my body isn’t quite getting enough oxygen supply. I saw a picture of myself and I look like the michelin man. I haven’t been able to exercise in 6 months so I’m sure that’s not helping things but it really doesn’t make me feel good. As soon as this abscess is healed, I am going swimming 2-3 times a week. So now my brain is rattling round times and days I’m going to go swimming, how I’m going to get on with the training plan I found, if I’ll be able to afford it, and how long it will be before it’s halted for the operation and more healing time.
4. How am I ever going to pass the first module of my degree?
I haven’t studied for over a month. It’s so overwhelming how much there is left to do. I can’t get an extension for my end of module assessment, and I want to do well, so I’m freaking out about how I’m going to get a distinction grade. I have done really well up until the last few topics in this module, and it’s really bothering me that I can’t get my brain into gear to study. It’s such an interesting topic too.
That’s the main ones whizzing around my brain at the moment. I am exhausted, and just want to sleep. Please Mr Sandman, send me a dream.